Nameless
by Daisy's Blog
Summary: Guilt, there was so much guilt. Will we ever be able to wash our hands of the blood? I don't know. Then there was bitter silence. A story of hope, atonement, and love. Kaoru X Kenshin/Battousai INDEFINITE HIATUS


Nameless

Chapter I

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin.

Author's Note: Chapter I has been completely **rewritten**. I threw out the old chapter and started over from scratch so it is entirely new and different.

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Kaoru let out a deep sigh while poking at a rock hard biscuit and swirling a cold mug filled with a dark liquid. "I wonder how many months it's been since we last had a hot meal. It'd be nice just to have something edible even if it was cold." She wrinkled her nose in disgust when she tried nibbling at the tasteless biscuit.

"At least it's better than your cooking."

She halfheartedly threw the biscuit at the man and twitched when he dodged it easily, his eyes never even leaving the maps in front of him. She smoothed out her hakama and put on a distressed air. "Princesses don't need to know how to cook."

"Princesses don't need to be on the battlefield." He smoothly retorted. "And you complain about the food everyday even when you have easy access to better fare."

She frowned lightly. "I have not fallen so low as to horde all the good rations to myself while the rest of the soldiers practically starve."

"The people would understand."

"Well I wouldn't."

Kaoru pushed the food away and began to play with Aoshi's hair.

"Your hair has gotten so long. Pretty soon it'll be as long as mine" she said with a soft smile. "It'll probably be better to tie it up in a high ponytail now."

Aoshi ignored her and continued to study the maps as she bunched up his hair. When she was done, she tugged on the last strands of the ponytail. "Wow. The ends reach the back of your neck even tied up." And with a wistful sigh she leaned into Aoshi and let her head rest on his back.

"Has it really been so long? I miss home."

Silence.

"Do you regret it, entering the war that is?"

Kaoru stayed quiet for a moment before answering with a soft "No."

"Though you suffered much, particularly after your first kill?" He paused for a moment before continuing. "You have changed. You've become much more solemn." Aoshi looked at her discreetly out of the corner of his eyes to gauge her reaction.

Kaoru smiled faintly. "This is the first time you've brought it up since I first declared my intentions to join the war."

Then she scrunched up her forehead in a thoughtful expression and chewed on her bottom lip, it was a habit she had picked up when she was little. "I regret having to go against the country's vows, my vows, and having to kill. In all truthfulness I wish I hadn't but, I-" she paused to organize her thoughts and then snapped up from her slouched position and to look Aoshi straight in the eyes.

"I needed to do this. Even working as a nurse, I didn't really understand the magnitude or the impact of the war. And I couldn't even begin to comprehend the mindset of the soldiers or why my father himself threw away his oaths to pick up a sword to kill. I thought I did, which is why I broke my own oath and entered the war in the first place. But I didn't, not really." She shook her head in emphasis.

Aoshi remained silent. He didn't move to comfort her or sympathize with her. He simply stayed quiet and let her continue.

"There is so much death and suffering here." She spat the words out like a curse and made a distressed face. "How could I have professed to believe in the sword that does not kill while my people were dying all around me? I would have been no better than a hypocrite." She said disgustedly.

"You were right, I did suffer and still do from the nightmares, the blood," she shut her eyes tight. "the guilt." She whisphered. She could remember with sharp accuracy her first kill. She had gone hysterical afterwards. "But the lives I took tempered my hate and made me understand that in a war, there is no right side. There are just people laying down their lives, fighting fiercely for their beliefs."

"You give yourself too little credit. You knew this long before you entered the war."

"I did, in here." She tapped her skull. "Nevertheless I still harbored a grudge against Hiten for invading, Kasshin for establishing a ridiculously naive belief, and the world for being so damn cruel."

"And now?"

She looked up at Aoshi with weary eyes. "I'm too tired to hate now."

Aoshi quirked his lips in a show of sympathy and understanding.

"And after coming this far and throwing away my oaths and beliefs, and witnessing all the hate and destruction, I can't help but come back to those beliefs again. I wish so desperately that the sword that does not kill could be a reality. And it is my hope that after the war ends, it will become one again."

Her eye were downcast and a darker note entered her voice.

"I'm not so naïve as to believe it will be easy or that it will happen in my lifetime. And even I think it's horribly ironic for someone who knows firsthand the sword that kills to believe in a sword that protects. But, but because the present is clouded with death and blood I look towards the future that much more." She smiled wryly. "I've learned to stop drowning in guilt and self pity long enough to move forward. It's just that-" she wavered.

But the guilt would follow her to her grave. He knew. It was one of the main reasons why he had tried so hard to deter her attempts to enter the war. People with such gentle souls like Kaoru weren't meant for the hardships of war. It was too bad she was so damn stubborn.

Kaoru seemed to read his mind because that stubborn glint came into her eyes again. She would never admit defeat.

"The battlefield taught me that a sword can kill. But the time will come when the sword that kills will no longer be needed. And I will pave the way for it because I'll never stop believing that a sword can also save without spilling blood."

Looking into Kaoru's eyes, Aoshi found that though the war had indeed tempered her once bubbly and light personality, the fire and passion was still burning just as fiercely as ever.

"You have grown much little hime, your parents would have been proud." She could hear the barest hint of a smile in his voice. "And they would have had me executed had they known just how hard you are pushing yourself. You need to rest. Those bags under your eyes make you look like a raccoon."

"I do not look like a raccoon!" pouted Kaoru, but she was thankful for his albeit awkward attempt to lighten the atmosphere. Aoshi was never a man to speak unless necessary, it must have been a big effort on his part. "I'll be fine. I just need a nap." She mumbled as she comfortably settled her head in Aoshi's lap.

These days Kaoru never slept alone anymore. She needed some kind of human contact to keep the darkness at bay, preferably Aoshi or Hanya since all the other men were pigs, 'sorry Beshimi' she thought sheepishly. But even then sleep was hard to come by she thought with a soft sigh. She wanted to close her eyes and rest, but the blood spilt on the battlefield had also spilled into her nightmares. Even in her dreams she could smell the sharp metallic scent of blood. The sticky red substance clouded her visions until she felt she was drowning in it, sinking in a pool of despair. And the fact that no matter how hard she ran or how much she struggled, the blood would always catch up to her didn't help much either. That sinking feeling was like being pulled into a vat of molasses. After one of those nightmares, she was always left with a sick sense of helplessness that left her in a cold panic. It left her no room to move let alone breathe.

She was always waking up in a cold sweat at odd hours of the night now.

Then she noticed Aoshi tense and spied the shadow at the edge of the tent. "General, you are being called upon for a meeting with the War Council."

There was a grunt of acknowledgement and Kaoru growled and muttered curses under her breath. "They never let me take a part even though I'm your second in command."

"You are also being called upon hime."

Then she smiled and eyes sparked as she burst out of the tent.

"Thank you Hannya." she said as she beamed at the masked man, then turned to face Aoshi. "It's about time they accepted me as an official council member. Though I suppose I couldn't have done it with your support General Shinomori."

She couldn't help but grin. This was a big step forward. By calling her into a War Council, the other captains were finally accepting her place in the war. And furthermore, it was a symbol of their mutual respect. She knew very well that at first she was only second in command in name. The War Council refused to acknowledge even her presence. At fifteen, she was considered a child and a nuisance, her position only given to her so Aoshi could babysit her and keep her out of trouble. As one of the six generals, Aoshi was able to use his authority over the captains under him to quiet gossiping and mutiny, but he could not force their respect.

And she would have not had it any other way. She fought fiercely to prove her worth, and she won the approval and acceptance of the soldiers fairly quickly. And now she had earned the respect of the captains. To think, it had only been seven months since she had entered the war. It had taken others years to climb to the rank she currently held. Although Aoshi was an exception. He had gained the rank of General at the tender age of thirteen. Her quick ascent up the ranks may have been due to her title as princess and the royal power backing her, but she had worked for her position. She supposed it also helped that before she entered the war, she had participated as a nurse.

"You would have proved your worth sooner or later even without my support." Aoshi broke through her thoughts, and surprised her with his sincerity. It really was true. While she was a better than average swordswoman, she also wasn't outstanding. But she was an amazing strategist. She was very knowledgeable and an expert at calculating the enemy's moves. And battles cannot be won on mere strength alone. He could honestly say it was because of her alone Kasshin had won many past battles. Even as minor as they were, it was still a credit to her skill. She had earned her position. And her years in the palace courts made politics her thing. She would be a great ruler one day he thought.

Kaoru's smile grew wider. It wasn't every day one got a compliment from the cold man.

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Author's Note

**ATTENTION**: This story currently remains **nameless **or untitled as I had difficulty choosing between two titles. So I'd like to take a consensus and have you, the readers decide on the name. The options are Of Peace and War, and These Blood Stained Hands. The sooner this story gets a name, the sooner I will be able to post new chapters.

I also wanted to take this time to address Kaoru's character in my story. She definitely won't be as naive or as innocent/oblivious as Nobuhiro's Kaoru, but she will still have her other definitive traits. So she isn't necessarily darker, just more mature. I just thought that it'd be easier for Kenshin to let Kaoru into his life if she could better relate to him, and easier for Kaoru to accept Kenshin as Battousai as well.

Also, no flames please. If you don't like it, then just leave me and my story alone. Constructive criticism however, is always welcome; as are reviews.


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